Select Page
So I wanted to do a little update on how our first attempt to get healthy has gone thus far. Lynsey put us on a 9 day cleanse. She gave us a big box with a ginormous amount of aloe vera gel. To drink for what felt like a million times a day. It sent all bodily fluids into warp 3 zone. I don’t even know what warp 3 is but it sounds like a place where you almost feel high. It affected us both quite differently but we both lost a couple kilos so it did exactly what it meant to do- kickstart us into being more aware of what we are putting into our bodies. One month on, Amanda drinks the aloe vera juice voluntarily. To say it smells and tastes like ass would be complementing it. I found Lynsey while doing a google search that went something along the lines of ‘Who to call when you are feeling exhausted, fat and stressed out due to potential midlife crisis?’ I might have also typed in ‘help when your lifestyle is a bit of a mess’ and magically, Lynsey’s contact details were presented. Lynsey’s Story: A regular in the expat party scene, Lynsey was able to burn the candle at both ends and while smashing things in the financial sector, met her man in a bar in Clausen. As their family grew from 2 to 5, the partying was taken over by grueling office hours combined with child rearing. Always trying to diagnose her own exhaustion, she became keenly interested in nutrition. After nearly 20 years in the financial sector, Lynsey took the diplomas she amassed in nutrition and hypnotherapy, (while on maternity leave 3 x), and decided to break free and help those which she knew best. Her main clients: 35 to 45 year old female professionals who are burnt out due to stress. I met Lynsey at her office in Strassen and before putting me on the scales, (yes, I took off my earrings for the official weigh in), she explained in layman’s terms why the contemporary body is so…well to put it mildly….fucked up. ‘It’s about cortisol and adrenaline. In the modern age, we are supposed to spend the majority of our time relaxed. Our bodies don’t need to confront bears anymore. Today the grizzly bear has been replaced by a different type of bear. Bears from childhood, the baggage from our work mistakes, failed relationships, etc. We spend so much time on this side of our nervous system, the organs responsible that are meant to take care of stress are overworked to the point of malfunction. She tells us that the vast majority of her clients who have issues with weight and tiredness have under active thyroids. I can tell she is irritated that most people are prescribed medication and sent home. They are told there is nothing you can do for your thyroid so to just take the meds. Excitedly she says, ‘There is so much more you can do!’ Her first port of call is to give manageable advice…like the kind I can handle. When I complained I can’t get food stuffed in my gob quickly enough upon darkening my door after a work day, she mentions that perhaps going 7 hours between meals might not be the smartest going forward. She then suggests a 9 day aloe vera cleanse to kickstart my metabolism. I will drink whatever you put in front of me but the fear strikes when she mentions drinking alcohol is not allowed while cleansing. The first two days you can only eat certain vegetables. My lip starts to quiver. It isn’t that I drink every day, just most days. (I’ve never taken note but maybe that’s worth exploring?) Last I checked I had a liver, kidneys and colon to flush out all the toxins I pump into my body, right?? Then I relive last Saturday night and the sheer amount of tequila and tacos I ate at 3 am so maybe taking a first official break since turning 15 years old isn’t such a terrible idea..but 9 days?! She mentions something about pairing proteins with fruit and slowing down the sugar impact and how I should set goals. This is something I’ve never actually attempted but sounds like something that super organised people do. Then I start thinking about how many different types of fruit can go on top of a hot dog. I’m brought back into the conversation when she says that sometimes there are reasons behind the binging that stem from emotional issues hung over from childhood which can be reset. One of the ways she suggests we figure out why is through hypnosis. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY HYPNOSIS! BAGGAGE IS MY MIDDLE NAME! I WANT TO RESET! The cleanse arrives. The box weighs a as much as a bowling ball..or a house cat with a glandular issue. This worries me on a few different levels. The aloe vera juice looks like something you would buy at a Jiffy Lube. Seriously, this nonsense looks like something meant for the innards of a car. Lynsey says I need to check in with myself and keep track of how I’m feeling. DAY ONE: HOLY HELL– Aloe Vera smells like kid vomit mixed with horse piss and the viscosity is rather disconcerting. Suddenly I hear Lynsey’s words about ‘all the waste being escorted out’ of my body which didn’t register until I maniacally researched on the interweb and ‘aloe vera’ and ‘potent laxative effect’ are commonly linked. After a full day on the cleanse, I was never hungry and I am happy to say I did not shit my pants. I also feel like my throat is closing up but I’ve read that quitting things cold turkey can make you feel like you are getting the flu. I was depressed until I remembered I am supposed to have my protein shake. The shake tastes like cookie dough and feels like glittery unicorns and rainbows are entering my body. Small victories. 32 hours without alcohol. Stay tuned. DAY TWO: I’ve forgotten what food tastes like…except for celery. I’ve eaten my weight in celery. I realise I eat very few vegetables normally. I think of myself as healthy when, in fact, I am not. DAY THREE: I dreamt about the shake last night. I love the shake that much. I also have eaten more cucumber in the past 24 hours than I have in 12 years. I’m still not hungry but I miss alcohol.. right around the time the kids start yelling at each other. Written by Meredith Moss see the original publication here: